I hate not knowing who/what I am. I want to come out so badly, but every time I think about it there’s one thing or another that prevents me from doing so.
I’ve never dated anyone, male or female. I don’t check out girls when I’m out of the house, but I check out boys even less. I had crushes on male celebrities (Tom Welling being one example) when I was younger, but now I’m not so interested, but neither am I “drooling” over female celebrities now like I did over guys. I’m also in college and I feel like my status as a university student automatically adds some skepticism to coming out. I don’t know what to say, how to say it.
I think about coming out to someone every single day. At any given moment, that’s what my thoughts are on nowadays. Most of the time it’s my mom, because nowadays she’s the one I spend the most time with. Before it was my younger sister, but she’s busy with high school and her job and her boyfriend, and so some days we barely see each other. Despite how close we are/were, I feel like I’m going to tell my mother first.
Some days I think I should tell my university’s QSA/LGBT Resource Office first, because they can offer advice, or be moral support, or just help in general. Everyone there, or at least most everyone, had to come out to their parents too. It’s not exactly going to be a huge surprise to them if I come out because most people are there because they’re gay or lesbian or anything in between, and I may (appear to) be one of the few allies there. Probably at least a few people there have had some sort of assumption as to my sexuality, but I’m also fairly femme, so it could harder to tell and so they’re just staying quiet and not wanting to assume something that isn’t necessarily true.
Other days, though, I feel like the first person (besides tumblr) I should tell is my mom. The first time you come out, the first person you tell, is the most important, after all. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to look back on my journey of my sexuality and say that the first people I came out to were people I had only met maybe two months ago.
But that’s what the Resource Office is there for, though, for resources. Advice, safe sex protection, needing someone to talk to.
To top it all off, like I said earlier, I don’t know HOW to do it. I don’t know if I should sit her down and say, “Mom there’s something I need to tell you”, or if I want to tell her I need to tell her something on a day where she’s off and we’re alone so that I can’t just wiggle my way out of telling her, I just don’t know.
I don’t want to be watching Glee, since we have yet to watch the episode where Santana comes out to her grandmother(?), and as Santana is describing what she feels to her grandmother (and get cruelly rejected), turn to my mother and sister and say, “Yeah, so what Santana just said? I feel the same way.” I thought about asking my mother during/after that scene if she would accept me in that situation, but that’s pretty much coming out as well.
I’m just struggling with it so much.
To end it on a lighter note, I’m making a little progress in a few areas.
It seems like I’m going to go to my city’s pride parade this May. I got little cards from someone who came to the LGBTea a few weeks ago that have the date and location of the pride parade. I showed them to my older brother, who is very much an ally, while asking if he knew about it. He said he didn’t and that he wants to go. I tentatively asked if I could come. He looked at me and said something to the effect of “Yeah, I was going to come with you”, as in I was the one going and he was the person tagging along.
Also, I’m making progress when it comes to words that I’m using. This is the first time I’ve tagged these rants of mine with LGBT (Edited to add: also “coming out” as a tag), so that shows I’m getting somewhere, at least.
sorry that it may be disorganized, my thoughts jump so quickly during these rants that I usually jump to and from and back again in what I rant about
